The better parent?

After three months away from the USA, I am finally back home with my hubby and my child. I had to go back to Senegal, which is my home country to rest because this pregnancy was getting too stressful for me. I went home with my son for a month, and then his father came to visit us. He then decided to take our son back to the US with him while I stayed another month back home alone.

In my earlier post, I shared with you the emotions I was feeling about being separated from my son for the first time since he was born. I did miss him but not as much as I thought I would. I did have a meltdown one night before going to bed. I tried to reach him with no success and cried myself to sleep that night. However, on other occasions I was doing great. I had time to take care of myself and do the things I wanted to do but could not because of my son. Therefore the separation was not so bad.

I finally returned home some weeks ago. I was so excited about the idea of seeing my son again that I played our reunion in my mind hundred times. I would see him run towards me at the airport and he would hug me tight and not let go. I would hug him back and start crying.
In reality, none of this happened. My son was just waking up from a short nap in the car on his way to the airport. When he saw me, he was still sleepy therefore he was not as excited as I thought he would be. I managed to lift him and he hold on to me. But very soon, I could sense him trying to get away from me. Then he went towards his father.

As days passed after my return, I got to see my hubby in action. For a man who almost delegated everything concerning my son's care to me, he was doing great. He would wake up every day, do his morning prayer and then prepare lunch for my son. When Little Prince would wake up, he would put him on the potty with a cup of orange juice and give him his breakfast. Then, once they are both done, they would shower and get ready to leave the house. When they return later the day, my hubby would prepare for the dinner and if they have time before Baby boy goes to sleep, they would go down to the pool. During the weekends, he would take him to the mall's playground.

I was surprised to see how organized my husband was. I always knew he was organized but I never thought that taking care of our son would come so easy to him. He makes good balanced meals that my son enjoys, and he does his laundry. He takes him to school and to the doctor when needed. He even buys him clothes and toys. The only thing that I deplore is that he does not clean the house much. But I guess I cannot say a word because he does everything else so perfectly.

My hubby is doing now what I used to do for Baby boy. I was the principal care giver. My hubby would help me most of the time but at the end of the day, all the responsibilities fell on my shoulder. And I have to admit that it was pretty hard. Taking care of Baby boy was not the hardest part. The hardest part was being criticized by my hubby. I am extremely sensitive and I hate criticism (even constructive one). Therefore, I was always frustrated when my hubby did not seem to see that I was trying my best to take care of Little Prince. That is why when he proposed to take our son back to the US after a well deserved holiday, I did not protest. I thought that he would finally understand what I was going through every day, and be less judgmental.

Whether or not my hubby knows how hard it was for me to take care of Baby boy is uncertain. He is not the type of person who would admit such a thing to me. But I do know that he is tired. However, he is not also the type of person who would complain about it.

Another feeling I have been experiencing upon my return home is that I am bitter about the fact that my husband takes care of our son. I have noticed that he is doing a far better job that I could have ever done. I know I would never be as organized or involved as he is. And that is killing me because I recognize in him the better parent. Moreover, I hate the fact that in only a month he built a bond with our son, a bond so strong that I do not see my place in this family anymore. I feel like an outsider. I hope this feeling will pass in time but I am not sure.

Despite all these feelings, I am proud of my husband for being a true father. So many times, we hear about dads that do nothing when it comes to take care of their children except giving away money. My husband became a really involved dad. Will his behavior change in the future? I am not sure. Yet, I am certain I love this new attitude of his.

Pregnancy Fashion (summer version)

Pregnancy is a magical time, they tell us. Well not for me. I am always hungry, I am always peeing, I gain tons of weight, I cannot sleep at night and my stomach is so huge I just feel like taking it out. But the worst in being pregnant is not knowing what to wear.
I am not a fashionista but I like clothes. My style is not bold (like I would like to) or classic. Yet, I like pretty trendy things that make me feel fabulous. So imagine my frustration when I cannot find something cool and unique to wear during my pregnancy. I just feel like staying home and sulking.

The solution to this dilemma is to buy maternity clothes. Before maternity clothes meant oversized pants, skirts and tops. They were not cute or stylish in any way. However, now more than ever there are several fashion houses that develop cute maternity clothes. From the standard Motherhood Maternity to Liz Clairborne, you can find pretty stylish clothes. It just depends on how much you want to spend on clothes you may wear just for an amount of time.

As far as I am concerned, I do not like to shop for maternity clothes. I just find it crazy to buy clothes that you would wear for just an amount of time. And then lock away in your closet till the next pregnancy. That is why my alternative for looking hot during a pregnancy is to shop for standard clothes that can fit my growing belly or buy pregnancy clothes that are so cute and stylish that they can be worn even after the pregnancy. (Because even after you give birth, there is a big chance that you will not fit in your pre-pregnancy clothes)

Here is a list of clothes and accessories I need during a pregnancy

-Pregnancy Jeans:
I love jeans. They are my trademark. But they tend to be the first thing to become too tight once you become pregnant. That is why I am obliged to shop for pregnancy jeans. Now they are so trendy that you can find your fit without sacrificing your style. They even have pregnancy skinny jeans.

- Pregnancy belt:
If you are not really into the pregnancy jeans, you can just buy a pregnancy belt or a Bella Band. It is belt or band that your wrap around your waist. With this belt, you can still wear your favorite jeans because it supports your belly and the pants even if it is unbuttoned.


Bella Band available at www.ingridandisabel.com

-Loose blouses or tunics:
I like tunics and blouses. Since I gained weight during my college years, I realized that they were the perfect item to hide bulging belly and wide thighs. Therefore, I always purchase them instead of tight fitted tops. That is why I do not have problems dressing up at the beginning of a pregnancy because I have all the tops that can hide my belly from the get go. Yet, those clothes are good up to the 2nd trimester. For the 3rd trimester, maternity clothes will be definitely needed depending on how big you get.


DVF Tunic



Blouses available at gojane.com

- Flats:
I understand that some women- like SJP or Kelly Ripa- are so attached to their heels that they keep on wearing them even during their pregnancy. But I am not one of them. I like heels but I trade them for the comfort of flats. They are so many cute versions of the ballet flats, for every season and in every color. I recommend you get some a size a bit bigger than your usual size because your feet will swell during the pregnancy. Or just stick to sandals that are easy to slip on (if it is spring/summer).


Ballet flats available at payless.com

And if you absolutely must have your heels, get some with a kitty heels or wedges that are not too high. You will still feel sexy but your feet will not hurt as much.


Floral Wedges available at payless.com

-Dresses:
You can find dresses that are suitable for maternity in all styles. But I recommend the T-shirt dress or jersey dress for their comfort and funkiness; the wrap dress because the belt will make you look smart yet comfy even with a growing belly. Empire waist dress and baby dolls are another way of dressing up during a pregnancy. The design let your belly be free under the long fluid skirt while your breast are being retained by the empire waist. Or you can just go for a maxi dress that is flowy. Pick it in a floral and colorful tone. All these dresses will make you feel gorgeous even after giving birth because they will still hide the baby weight that you are dying to lose.


Jersey Dress available at oldnavy.com


DVF Wrap Dress


All types of Maxi Dresses

- Elastic band skirts:
If your zipper skirts get too tight, switch them with skirts with an elastic band. The elastic will let you wear them further down your pregnancy. I particularly enjoy those type of skirts when they are floor length.

- Lots of accessories:
Stack up on your accessories! They would brighten up any outfit. Moreover they are so playful that they can make you feel happy and glowing. I am thinking about huge bracelets, colorful and stylish rings, big and bold chains, even belts if you think you are up to it. Bags are also another option, go for colorful and textured bags that stand out.
Another important item that you will definitely need during the pregnancy is reliable underwear. You will need bras that will support your growing breast. You will also need panties that stay either low under the belly so that they will not get in the way. Hoses can also help you with the swelling and cramping of legs. It is absolutely necessary to get all those items in cotton to avoid chaffing.

I know getting dressed up can be tricky during pregnancy. But with a strong will and creativity, you can be both trendy and glowing during this interesting time of your life. I recommend you find inspiration in pregnancy magazines or plain fashion magazines. Looking at our celebrities does not hurt either.

Pregnancy Taboos

Pregnancy is a beautiful experience, when you take out the aches and pains of a growing foreign body inside yours that is. Nevertheless, pregnant women will tell you that it is one of the best moments of their lives, apart raising the child that is born.

Pregnancy is a dangerous experience. People often tend to forget that it is a life and death situation. It is not rare that women die during pregnancy or labor. Even though medicine and science is developing to a certain rate where we have less pregnancy or labor related deaths, it is nonetheless an imminent danger.

I tend to forget about the danger of pregnancy. But a visit to the doctor’s office and one talk with both of my mothers (my real mother and my mother in law) put me back into that mental state. Yet I am not the one to loose sleep or appetite over a problem. I am pretty much laid back. Therefore, it is hard for me to understand all the taboo that revolves around a pregnancy particularly in my country.

First you have to understand that in Senegal, a pregnancy is considered as a disease. I remember the first time I got pregnant, my mother told my husband to be uber patient with me because I was not a well person. I found it revolting and insulting that she would diminish me like that. But come to think of it, a woman is not very well during a pregnancy. You feel nauseous and tired most of the time. You tend to be forgetful and irritated for no reason at all. You turn into this food gobbling, mood swinging, lazy woman and no one understand why. For nine months- and more- you become a different person for your entourage. And only another woman who has been through the same experience can understand you. Men, I tend to notice are frighten by your state. They act fine but deep inside they do not know how to deal with you. And this can cause couples to grow more and more distant.

Second, during a pregnancy, a woman back home is recommended to do so many things if she wants to assure a safe journey. There are of course, things that she should eat, activities that she should do. But one thing I hate the most, is the fact that she has to hide her pregnancy to outsiders for as long as she can. And one better way to do it is to wear large clothes. People believe that nothing good can result from talk. In other words, the more people talk about you, the worse you can feel. Therefore to avoid what we call “Tchat” (something like an evil eye except this one is more like an evil tongue), people hide pregnancies. They do so by wearing Senegalese traditional clothes (which used to be baggy back in the days). However, I discovered two things about this phenomenon: one is that baggy clothes can hide your growing belly up to a certain amount of time. Passed the 2nd trimester, there is not much they can do. You round belly is there to be seen. Second, people are not dumb. They tend to notice and understand your change of state even before you tell them. Therefore, I think that hiding is just a waste of time. I like the fact that in Western country, women are proud to show off their growing bellies (even though I condemn them exhibiting their naked belly to the world. It is just too wrong to walk around half naked with a big belly in front of everyone). They feel so free. But here, you have to walk around like you are ashamed of being pregnant. I hate it but it is the “Soutoura” (discretion) national that dictates it.

Third, during a pregnancy, a Senegalese woman is forbidden to eat or do some thing that people who do not belong may find silly. I do find them silly sometimes. For example, a pregnant woman should not eat too much abalone- a Senegalese delicacy because if she does, once her baby is born he will drool all the time. Or a pregnant woman should surrender to her cravings-particularly when the food is in front of her- because if she does not, the kid will be born with many birthmarks. There are so many other things like that but I cannot tell them all. However, my first experience as a pregnant woman proved me that, all those sayings were not necessarily true. I like abalone but I am certain that I did not eat it much when I was pregnant with Baby boy. And that little fellow was a drooler and a spitter. Moreover, because of my strict husband who had in mind that he had to follow my diet, there were many things such as butter and sugar that were denied to me during my pregnancy. I was often unhappy of the situation, but Baby boy was not born with a huge birthmark.

Finally, a pregnant woman has to protect herself against evil spirit. It is recommended that she carries with her a pouch with salt, a piece of charcoal, a fresh lemon and some wood or iron. It is supposed to protect her particularly during sunset- hour in which all evil spirits appear. I try not to believe in evil spirits and such. I often laugh at my mother when she checks whether or not I am carrying my pouch. However, I cannot ignore this way of protecting myself entirely for the following two reasons: it has been done for many years by women all over the country; and second it is a formula that works even for children: I put the pouch underneath Baby boy’s pillow once because he was having nightmares, and that night he slept like a baby.

Pregnancy should be a magical time, a time when you should relax and try to bond with the alien growing inside of you. I hate the fact that it has become a time when people scare you with old wives tale and try to put you in a bubble. I understand their concerns and their practices because it is the way things have been done in this country. There is not much I can do about it. Nevertheless, I wish I were left alone to live my pregnancy the way I chose to without being afraid of being judged. Why not wear a jean and t-shirt as long as I feel comfortable in it? And who says that I have to be constantly in movement to assure a hassle free labor? Well my mother in law does: she recommends that I do household chores or walk many miles after a meal to feel fine. She maybe right but I cannot see myself walk or do anything after lunch under this heat except taking a nap. And believe me for someone who has problems sleeping at night now and who may face hundred of sleepless nights once they baby is born, a nap sounds like a good idea.
I just want to be left alone to do or live how I choose to, pregnant or not. But unfortunately that is something people will never let you do in this country.

Rituals for a new baby

I was watching an interesting documentary at the RTS1, the first channel of the country. I missed the beginning but I can clearly understand that is about the rites people from different places (particularly those living in not so modern conditions) have concerning their babies. In other words, the documentary relates the bath rituals, breastfeeding methods, carrying methods and way of educating babies among other things.
This documentary reminds me of the rituals Senegalese women use for their babies as well. There is panoply of things to do once a child is born until he is old enough. One of the most important one is probably the massage of the body. The baby is strongly massaged with what we call Karite- or shea butter all over his body. The ritual can seem pretty harsh for a new mother that is why the grand mother often executes it. The massage or “Damp” in my language helps shape the baby’s body. It is also very efficient if you want the baby to fall asleep. I remember once, my mother did the massage on my young baby cousin. She was screaming her breath out and her mother begged my mother to stop. However as soon as she finished the massage, the usually fussy baby fell immediately asleep. It was like witnessing a miracle.
The “Mbotu” or piece of cloth that is used to carry the baby on the back is also a very important ritual. A new mother needs to carry the baby on its back in order for her to do chores. It is also another way of helping the baby to sleep. Many Senegalese children grew up attached to their mother’s back. From that post, they witness several aspects of daily life and get to learn about them.


The Mbotu
image courtesy: www.inkycircus.com/jargon/images/african_baby...

One on hand, the documentary was very interesting in the sense that it taught me on simple thing: people from all over the world maybe different and may have different ways of caring for their babies. Nevertheless, the love they have for these little people is still the same. For example, mothers would have different ways of protecting their children against bad spirit or the evil eye (attaching amulets or applying oil to their babies’ body) but it is in the same spirit. .
On the other hand, the documentary made me feel sad: my Little Prince was not lucky enough to have all these rituals performed on him. I had my first born alone with my husband in the United States. My mother who was supposed to teach me all about the rituals could not be there to support me. Therefore, I was pretty much left to myself to welcome this new thing to the world and keep him there. My hubby was as clueless as I was. Certainly we received several advices from both my mother and my mother in law through the telephone. Nevertheless it could not replace having them there to help us out. Therefore my baby grew up without ever being really massaged. (I did try to massage with the Karite butter but as a new mother I was never as harsh as my own mother was). I never massaged his nose either trying to affinate it. And it took me several months before I was ready to use the Mbotu on him.
I was a clueless mother trying to protect her child by any means that I did not let him do things babies his age would. I would rarely let him be, or play afraid that he would hurt himself. As a result, he did not sit, crawl and walk as early as I thought he would.
Fortunately for us, we could come to visit our family back home more than three times in Little Prince three years on this earth. Therefore, we could catch up on the rites. I learned many things that I was supposed to do or that I should start to do for him. Sometimes, I was not sure about them- like the time my mother in law bought some copper anklet to put on Baby Boy’s to avoid nightmares. In fact, since we arrived in my country for a short holiday, Baby Boy was screaming at night obviously having nightmares. However, the moment he started to wear this copper anklet, he was sleeping like the baby he was. After this incident, it became hard for me to stay skeptical about those rituals.
I feel sorry for Baby Boy and myself because there is a huge amount of traditions that accompany a new mother and a new baby that we did not experienced. I wished I had my mother by my side telling me and showing me what to do. But it was not the case. So, I feel like I missed out. Nevertheless I will not complain. After all Little Prince turned out fine. When he was born, my husband used to say that he should apologize before hand to the baby because he would be like a cobaye to us. Since he was the first born to inexperienced and left out parents, there was a big chance that he would not turn out fine. However, now when I see him going, playing, talking, being this affectionate child that everyone loves, I say to myself that we both did a great job with what we had at the time. Certainly, he is not perfect (no one is) but he is not bad either. And only for that I should thank GOD.