Friday, August 18, 2006
I just finished watching "The Joy Luck Club", a movie about 4 Chinese women who immigrated to the United States and their daughters who were born American. I love this movie and would watch it over and over again. It makes me feel sad, and happy at the same time.
But this time, the movie had a new meaning for me. I saw it differently since I am a mother now. One character of the movie killed her baby boy to get back at her cheating husband. And another one abandoned her twin baby daughters during the war. I do not judge those women, they did what they had to do and they are very regretful. However, my skin crawled and my blood went cold just to look at those images. Then I look at my baby boy sleeping next to me and I feel like hugging him, just to tell him that I will never harm or abandon him. Thank GOD, he is crying and I pick him up. Although he feels good in my arms, he does not understand what this hug is for. He is too young.
He is too young to know that when I kiss him almost every second it is to tell him that I love him. He does not understand that when I do silly things around him, it is because I want him to laugh and be happy. He does not care that I spend all the time I rock him to sleep admiring his face.
I love him more than anything else in the world, more than myself, more than my husband (his father), more than my family and my best friends. But he does not love me yet. He needs me to feed him, bathe him, hold him, take care of him but he does not love me. Sometimes I even think that if someone kidnapped him (GOD forbid), he would not even miss me. Yes he is starting to laugh at my silly faces! Yes, he cries when I do not feed him my breast, Yes he cooes to get my attention!Yes, he looks intensely at me when I move around him. But does he only know who I am? Does he love me? I do not think so.....
I am just waiting for the day when this emotion will be created and evolved. I am just impatient to hear those words: "Mummy, I love you". I am eager to see him run to me when I come back home or when I pick him up at the pre-school. I know I would die for him to hold me in his tiny arms and never let go.
But for the moment, I will just keep on feeding, bathing, rocking, holding him...Showing him how to love in hope that one day he develops this emotion toward me first and the rest of the world....
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