After three months away from the USA, I am finally back home with my hubby and my child. I had to go back to Senegal, which is my home country to rest because this pregnancy was getting too stressful for me. I went home with my son for a month, and then his father came to visit us. He then decided to take our son back to the US with him while I stayed another month back home alone.
In my earlier post, I shared with you the emotions I was feeling about being separated from my son for the first time since he was born. I did miss him but not as much as I thought I would. I did have a meltdown one night before going to bed. I tried to reach him with no success and cried myself to sleep that night. However, on other occasions I was doing great. I had time to take care of myself and do the things I wanted to do but could not because of my son. Therefore the separation was not so bad.
I finally returned home some weeks ago. I was so excited about the idea of seeing my son again that I played our reunion in my mind hundred times. I would see him run towards me at the airport and he would hug me tight and not let go. I would hug him back and start crying.
In reality, none of this happened. My son was just waking up from a short nap in the car on his way to the airport. When he saw me, he was still sleepy therefore he was not as excited as I thought he would be. I managed to lift him and he hold on to me. But very soon, I could sense him trying to get away from me. Then he went towards his father.
As days passed after my return, I got to see my hubby in action. For a man who almost delegated everything concerning my son's care to me, he was doing great. He would wake up every day, do his morning prayer and then prepare lunch for my son. When Little Prince would wake up, he would put him on the potty with a cup of orange juice and give him his breakfast. Then, once they are both done, they would shower and get ready to leave the house. When they return later the day, my hubby would prepare for the dinner and if they have time before Baby boy goes to sleep, they would go down to the pool. During the weekends, he would take him to the mall's playground.
I was surprised to see how organized my husband was. I always knew he was organized but I never thought that taking care of our son would come so easy to him. He makes good balanced meals that my son enjoys, and he does his laundry. He takes him to school and to the doctor when needed. He even buys him clothes and toys. The only thing that I deplore is that he does not clean the house much. But I guess I cannot say a word because he does everything else so perfectly.
My hubby is doing now what I used to do for Baby boy. I was the principal care giver. My hubby would help me most of the time but at the end of the day, all the responsibilities fell on my shoulder. And I have to admit that it was pretty hard. Taking care of Baby boy was not the hardest part. The hardest part was being criticized by my hubby. I am extremely sensitive and I hate criticism (even constructive one). Therefore, I was always frustrated when my hubby did not seem to see that I was trying my best to take care of Little Prince. That is why when he proposed to take our son back to the US after a well deserved holiday, I did not protest. I thought that he would finally understand what I was going through every day, and be less judgmental.
Whether or not my hubby knows how hard it was for me to take care of Baby boy is uncertain. He is not the type of person who would admit such a thing to me. But I do know that he is tired. However, he is not also the type of person who would complain about it.
Another feeling I have been experiencing upon my return home is that I am bitter about the fact that my husband takes care of our son. I have noticed that he is doing a far better job that I could have ever done. I know I would never be as organized or involved as he is. And that is killing me because I recognize in him the better parent. Moreover, I hate the fact that in only a month he built a bond with our son, a bond so strong that I do not see my place in this family anymore. I feel like an outsider. I hope this feeling will pass in time but I am not sure.
Despite all these feelings, I am proud of my husband for being a true father. So many times, we hear about dads that do nothing when it comes to take care of their children except giving away money. My husband became a really involved dad. Will his behavior change in the future? I am not sure. Yet, I am certain I love this new attitude of his.
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