Postpartum Evil

On June 20, 2001, a Houston woman named Andrea Yates killed her five children,aged
7,6,4,2 and 7 months drowning them in her bathtub. The woman claimed that she had Satan inside of her and she had killed her children to save them from damnation. She was first sentenced to life in prison at her first trial. But due to technicalities,(among other a false testimony from experts) she was later found not guilty due to insanity at her appeal trial. She was committed to a state mental health hospital in Texas.

Andrea Yates suffered from postpartum depression and psychosis. Postpartum depression is a form of clinical depression that occurs often the first months after a woman gives birth. It is not very clear what causes the depression-some specialists attribute it to lack of vitamins, some other to change in hormones. Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, insomnia, appetite changes, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. Other symptom may also include lack of interest in the baby. Postpartum depression is often treated with counseling or support groups. However, when the situation worsen, medications are being given to mothers in order for them to cope.

In the case of Andrea Yates, the postpartum turned into psychosis. She was having hallucinations, and tried several times to hurt herself and or the children. She was repeatedly committed for treatment but only for a short time.

I used to hear about Andrea Yates and wonder how can a mother do this to her own children. I looked at this woman sitting on a chair at her trial with no facial expressions whatsoever. I could not help but judge her to be true evil for drowning her five children and not even showing signs of remorse.

I did judge Andrea Yates but it was before I had children on my own. After giving birth to my first son I suffered from postpartum depression. It was never as bad as Andrea's case. I never needed medication or was committed. However there were times, when I thought that my life would be easier if I did not have this child with me. You have to understand that prior to having a baby, I was an independent person. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. But, with a baby at home, I found myself committed to the life of a housewife. I was taking care of this baby 24/7 without hardly any help at all. My husband was there but he is a man, and there is so much he can do. I would spend my days confined at home, feeding , changing and bathing my little boy. I often caught myself being envious of these women who were going off to work, or were living the single life. I looked for jobs on the Internet even though I was sure that I could not get them. I try to uplift myself by watching TV and listening to music. But there was no hiding the fact that I was becoming moody and resented the baby and my husband for my situation.
Sometimes, due to lack of sleep, I would even have hallucinations in the middle of the night. Suddenly I would wake up and find my baby sleeping next to me. First, I would not understand why he would be on my bed because the last time I saw him, he was alseep in his one crib. Secondly, he would give me this devilish look like he was out to get me. I could not explain the feeling. I brush it off, reasoning that I was dreaming. But deep inside I knew I was not. When those episodes happen, I often turn away not to see the devil on my son's face. Or I am so tired that I fall fast asleep. I may not be inclined to murder but I can see how Andrea had those hallucinations that pushed her to kill her children.
Andrea was among the unlucky women who killed their children due to postpartum depression. Other unlucky ones choose to self medicate themselves to go through it. They turn to alcohol or drugs. And one day, they woke up being an addict.
I also judge those women, wondering how on earth someone who has a stable life, could fall so low. I was sure that it could not happen to me. First of all, I hate medicine. I often delay taking medications even if I am in such pain. However, I recently find myself contemplating self medication. My second son was barely 3 weeks old. He was very good, sleeping all day and waking up only twice at night. But for some reason, one night he decided to have a slumber party and kept me up until the morning. The following day, I had to do chores so I could not recuperate. My body was extremely sore. I was having pains on my neck and shoulders. The pain was so intense that I could not sleep at night. Therefore I decided to take some Vicodin (pain relief medicine) the doctor has prescribed at my discharge from the hospital. The drug did wonders; my body felt light and I immediately fell asleep. For three days in a row, I took the Vicodin, not because I was tired but because I realised that it uplifted me. After taking it, I was not feeling like some vampire has sucked the life out of me. Instead, I was rejuvenating and happy. I began to realise that it was how addiction started. You take one pill, then another, then another. And pretty soon you find yourself incapable of coping without the help of the pill. I thought I would never become a drug addict. Yet, there I was popping one Vicodin a day just to feel better. I quickly stopped myself. But the danger is still present because I have some pills left. Just last week, I was contemplating the idea of asking for a refill to my OBGYN. It is scary.

These episodes taught me two things:
1- Postpartum depression is a very serious illness that should not be ignored. I know that some people dismissed it lightly, mostly husbands and parents. They think that with time, it will go away, because they cannot accept that any woman can loose interest in her own baby. But it did not go away for Andrea. On the contrary, it became so bad that she felt she had to kill her own children.

2-Any person can become an addict. It does not only happen to celebrities or people coming from a dysfunctional family. It can also happen to me.

Motherhood is suppose to be a lovely time. But for some reasons, it can also turn into a time of doubt, pain, anxiety, and depression. If you are suffering from these symptoms after giving birth, you should seek help and counseling. There are several ways of coping with this disease. Find out what is best for you. As for myself, I realised that just admitting that there is a problem is an important step to curing oneself. So talk about it to your loved ones. (Or blog about it....believe me it is a huge help!)

For more info
about postpartum depression
http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/depression-pregnancy.cfm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression

about Andrea Yates
http://crime.about.com/od/current/p/andreayates.htm
http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/notorious_murders/women/andrea_yates/index.html