It is hard out there for a Mum!!!

It is hard to be a new mother. It is harder than I ever thought it would be. Between the sleepless nights and the cries, I feel like killing myself sometimes.
What is painful about being a mother in general is that I do not get to do the things I like or want to do anymore. I used to be an independent, almost self reliant person. I did the things I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do them (often facing the disapproving eyes of my loved ones).
For example, I used to be a couch potato, watching TV endlessly. My mother used to call me "Pincez tous" which are the first words of the national anthem, song that would be played only to announce the beginning and the end of the TV broadcast. I used to watch so much TV, everything from CSI to gossip TV. But now, I cannot even enjoy a full hour of TV unless my Little Prince is asleep. When I try to watch TV while he is cooing, I often find myself trying to shush him in order to hear what is being said. And when he cries, there is no way I can enjoy my drama. It is frustrating.
I used to like walking around in malls, shopping or window shopping till I drop, or till my legs hurt. But now, I am staying at home almost everyday. I cannot even set foot outside unless Baby boy is bathed, clothed and fully fed. Once, my hubby and I decided to hit the nearest mall for a stroll with the baby. Arrived there, I decided that I needed (maybe wanted more than needed) to buy some shoes. The baby was asleep in his trolley so I figured that I had time to look around and find the right pair. As soon as I did in fact find the right pair and started to try it on, Baby boy woke up and started to scream. I looked at my husband, and he signaled me that it was time to head home. Baby boy needed to be fed (breastfed that is!)
I used to enjoy having long hot showers, particularly after a hard day at school, or just to warm up my body from the cold weather. A hot shower relaxes me, and I feel like a new person after taking one. Or I would just pamper myself by applying henna on my nails or olive oil on my hair. But since the bundle of joy arrived, I have learned that 5mns was the required time needed to clean myself, never mind pampering. More than that and I will be having a wailing baby on my hands.
I used to enjoy sleeping late in the day, dreaming of silly things or just a better life. Now, I do not remember the last time I had 6 hours of straight sleep at night. After some crazy nights, I feel so sleepy in the morning. I walk around the house looking like a zombie. And some day I am so tired that I doze off lying next to the baby on my bed, even if he is cooing loudly to my ear.
I used to like being alone, sipping hot cocoa or macha, tugging myself under blankets, reading a nice book. Or just lunch with my girlfriends and discuss our love problems. I used to talk with my husband about grown up issues. But now, I do not anymore.
It is funny how a baby can change once life. Baby boy turned an independent, self reliant, in control adult, into an almost near meltdown (breaking down) woman.
And they say it only gets better and easier. I know better. I know that it will be sleepless nights all over again when he is cutting his teeth. I know I will panic when he will start crawling or walking. I know I will feel anxious the first day I will have to put him to school. I know that I will be annoyed that he asks "why" all the time. I know I will be mad when he disobeys. I know I will cry when he leaves the family nest, because motherhood does not get easier with time. It gets worse and worse. The pain of being a mother does not stop when the baby is out of sight; it increases. The only thing that gets me through is the joy that my Little Prince brings me everyday in every little silly thing he does; like smiling back at me or performing a new action. And I cannot wait for the day he will crawl, or walk, or say "Ma-ma", run into my arms, hugs me or kisses me. Those little things make my life a little better even though I lost the former joys of being just myself.

I love him, he loves me not

Friday, August 18, 2006

I just finished watching "The Joy Luck Club", a movie about 4 Chinese women who immigrated to the United States and their daughters who were born American. I love this movie and would watch it over and over again. It makes me feel sad, and happy at the same time.
But this time, the movie had a new meaning for me. I saw it differently since I am a mother now. One character of the movie killed her baby boy to get back at her cheating husband. And another one abandoned her twin baby daughters during the war. I do not judge those women, they did what they had to do and they are very regretful. However, my skin crawled and my blood went cold just to look at those images. Then I look at my baby boy sleeping next to me and I feel like hugging him, just to tell him that I will never harm or abandon him. Thank GOD, he is crying and I pick him up. Although he feels good in my arms, he does not understand what this hug is for. He is too young.
He is too young to know that when I kiss him almost every second it is to tell him that I love him. He does not understand that when I do silly things around him, it is because I want him to laugh and be happy. He does not care that I spend all the time I rock him to sleep admiring his face.
I love him more than anything else in the world, more than myself, more than my husband (his father), more than my family and my best friends. But he does not love me yet. He needs me to feed him, bathe him, hold him, take care of him but he does not love me. Sometimes I even think that if someone kidnapped him (GOD forbid), he would not even miss me. Yes he is starting to laugh at my silly faces! Yes, he cries when I do not feed him my breast, Yes he cooes to get my attention!Yes, he looks intensely at me when I move around him. But does he only know who I am? Does he love me? I do not think so.....
I am just waiting for the day when this emotion will be created and evolved. I am just impatient to hear those words: "Mummy, I love you". I am eager to see him run to me when I come back home or when I pick him up at the pre-school. I know I would die for him to hold me in his tiny arms and never let go.
But for the moment, I will just keep on feeding, bathing, rocking, holding him...Showing him how to love in hope that one day he develops this emotion toward me first and the rest of the world....

Baby Faces

Friday, August 04, 2006

Babies seem to change every single day from the day they are born. My boy is no different; he is two months old now but he is so different from himself at birth. When he was born, he was tiny; his skin was fair and his body was wrinkled. However he was the cutest thing I have ever seen.
Now he is bigger and darker. His skinny legs became these big chicken drumsticks; and he has a round stomach we ( my husband and I) love to kiss. His father shaved his head so he is bold now. Gone all the curly hair that my mother in law thinks he inherited from her side of the family. Now, Baby boy has eyebrows; and his eyes lashes are so long that he can make any woman envious. His eyes are bigger too and they are so alert...They looked blue when he was born, now they are turning brown.
But my Baby even going through this physical development, has also different faces.
He is all relax when he falls deep into sleep but as soon as he wakes up, he either takes his time to stretch like a lazy possum or cries his lungs out because he is hungry. There is also a variety is his cries; when he is fussy (which he is not very often, Thank GOD) he opens his mouth and comes out a very loud and piercing cry. His eyes pour little tears and his face becomes all red. But when he is hungry, he curls his mouth and let out a weaker but firm cry.
When Baby Boy explores the world around him, he opens his already huge eyes and fixates things that grown ups like me would not be interesting in. He usually avoids my eyes when he is into comtenplation of his environment. Nothing else, even his Mommy's eyes or voice matters.
But the face I like the most, is when he is full after eating from my breast and he is drifting into deep sleep in my arms. All the muscles of his body relax and he abandons himself totally to me. Sometimes, he would try a shy smile, which is not reallly a smile since he is too young to smile, but whatever it is seing it makes my day.
I cannot wait for the other faces he will make as he is growing up....

Smile

3 months. Baby boy is 3 months old already.It seems like an eternity has passed since the day he was born.A 3 months old baby is so different from a newborn. I am 25 now and I will not change much in the next 3 months. I will turn 26, but I will not grow bigger or heavier (unless I stuff myself with junk food everyday starting from today). My hair and my nails would grow, but that would be it.
But in 3 months, my baby boy changed completly. His face when he was a newborn is nothing compare to his face now. Then, his face was puffier and he did not have eye- brows. His body parts were smaller as well. Now he is heavier and stronger. He can hold his neck without any help, and can grab anything that is near him. He is laughing and "talking" also. When he is hungry or wants a diaper change, he lets you know. He even knows how to do it loud enough to grab your attention. Moreover he is capable of waking you up in the middle of the night with his loud coos.At 3 months, it is such a joy to play with him, because he is more receptive and alert. He can see colors and is curious of his surroundings. He particularly loves big green trees maybe because they are so high up in the sky.
He also laughs all the time.I remember how at 6 weeks, I fussed because he did not smile. I was coaxing him into smiling by making weird faces and noises. But he did not bulge. Then the miracle happened while I was shaking my big fat ass in a stupid dance in order to entertain him. It was brief. I did not even have the time to express my surprise that it was gone in a flash (the smile that is). I was happy and disappointed at the same time. I confide my frustration to my husband who told me:" our boy is not like the other babies who as expected, smile at 6 weeks. He is special, so he will smile at his own time or not smile at all". I could understand the "he will smile at his own time" part but could not quite gulp the "will not smile at all" part. The reason laid in he fact that I read in a magazine that if babies do not smile at all, it could be a sign of autism. So you could assume that I was scared my boy could show early signs of autism although the disease can only be diagnosed when a child is 2 years old.Thankfully, Babyboy smiled at his own time and without coaxing. Now he smiles all the time, when we talk to him, when he sees something interesting around him and even in his sleep.
But the best smile he gave me happened in such an unusual way. One night, after what seemed to be an eternity or rocking him, he finally fell asleep. I was ready to sleep as well. I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. I barely slept 10 minutes (I may have slept more but I was so tired it felt shorter)that I hear him moving in his crib-which is next to my bed-. He opened his eyes and raised his head to look at me. I was furious but then he smiled in such an angelic way, my heart melted as my anger faded away. I then took him in my arms and while kissing him, I hold him tight. It was one of the happiest moment of motherhood so far.