Am I a bad mother?

When I take time to think about all the journey of motherhood, I reflect on whether or not I am a bad mother. I know what a good mother is, or is supposed to be. I know how she must feel and act toward her child. So, does it mean that if I act or feel different to the way she feels or act, I am a bad mother?
They say you feel motherly the moment your baby is born. But I did not feel a thing when Little Prince was born. I was numb and tired, and sick -I threw up some minutes later-. I did not get to hold him because he was rushed to the intensive care unit. I was doing fine in my hospital room, finally able to eat something -after 14 hours of hunger- and enjoying TV. My husband abandoned me to check on the baby. The feeling of being a mother did not hit me until several hours after the delivery. It hit me hard when I checked on both my husband and my baby at the NI CU. I had some 5 mns to see him and then I had to leave him there. That moment, I cried...I was finally becoming a mother.
However, I am still not a good mother. I should think about him more often, what he needs, how he should be protected. But my frivolous nature makes me want to put myself first.
My errors in the past made me realise what good mothers do and do not do. Good mothers do not let their children fall out of the bed, or burn themselves with an iron. Good mothers remember to give their children their vitamins everyday. Good mothers do not watch TV all day, instead of respecting the schedule of their children. Good mothers put the well being of their children before their own.
I am not a good mother. It is plain bullshit to use the excuse that I am no good at what I should do best because Baby Boy is my first child.
I once promised someone lost that I would be the best mother one has ever seen. And I should be ashamed I did not keep that promise.
So what should I do to get myself forgiven? Start becoming a average mother for I know there is long ride to getting to be a good mother-And do not even get me started on perfect mothers. But I will get there because for as long as Baby Boy lives (and for as long as I shall live; if GOD will we shall live a long long time), I am still on time....